How to Set Rules and Consequences for Tweens

The tween years, ages 10-12, can be a challenging time as children begin to exert their independence. Setting fair, consistent rules and consequences is important to provide structure while avoiding power struggles. Consider these tips when establishing guidelines for your tween as a parent or foster carer.

Involve Your Tween

Sit down together and explain you want to set some rules to help things run smoothly at home. Get their input on what they think the rules should be. They’ll be more likely to follow guidelines they help establish. If certain rules are non-negotiable, explain your reasoning.

Focus on Positives

Phrase rules positively. Say “speak respectfully” rather than “don’t yell.” Present consequences as losses of privileges rather than punishments. Frame rules as helping rather than restraining. For example, “We set a tech curfew to ensure you’re well rested for school.”

Be Consistent

Follow through consistently on both rules and consequences. Avoid empty threats that undermine your authority. If you warn of a consequence, enforce it every time a rule is broken. Tweens test boundaries and need consistency.

Link to Values

Explain how rules reflect family values like honesty and responsibility. Tweens are developing a sense of right and wrong. Linking rules to values helps them see the deeper reasons behind guidelines.

Allow Some Flexibility

Leave room for negotiation and flexibility on minor issues. Stick to important rules but be open to tweaking rules that aren’t critical. This avoids power struggles and teaches conflict resolution skills.

Involve Other Caregivers

Get on the same page with others caring for your tween such as a co-parent or grandparent. Present a united front when establishing and enforcing rules. Mixed messages undermine the structure tweens need.

Choose Consequences Wisely

Look for consequences that relate directly to the broken rule and are proportional to the offense. Take away a favourite privilege or activity rather than universally banning screen time. Avoid excessively long lectures as attention spans are short at this age.

Praise Positive Behaviours

Notice and praise when your tween demonstrates responsibility, honesty or other positive behaviours. This positive reinforcement is more effective than criticizing what they do wrong.

Listen Compassionately

If your tween breaks a rule, listen to why and discuss it after emotions have cooled down. Hear them out before stating the consequences. Maintain empathy while upholding rules.

Revisit and Revise

Periodically review the rules with your tween. Adjust guidelines as they mature or situations change. Tweens experience rapid growth during these years. Update rules to fit their development.

Special Considerations for Foster Tweens

Tweens fostered with an agency like Foster Care Associates Scotland require patience, empathy and nurturing. Consult with social workers on setting rules with sensitivity to the trauma these children may have faced.

Focus on building trust and attachment first before enforcing a lot of rules. Explain rules are for safety and show you care.

Avoid linking rule adherence to pocket money or rewards. This can feel transactional. Instead, emphasise that following rules allows everyone to thrive.

The tween years present unique opportunities and challenges for setting guidelines. Collaboration, consistency and compassion go a long way in creating rules that are received well. Adapt as needed and focus on the goal of raising responsible, ethical tweens.